Come Apart
by Brandywine421
Summary: Written for BonnieD. What would cause Sandy and Ryan to come to blows?
1. One

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related.   
AN: For BonnieD who wanted Sandy to hit Ryan. Hope it's up to par. _

_This follows Ryan beating the hell out of Oliver in the cafeteria. Ryan didn't leave the poolhouse after his grounding. _

_

* * *

_

_"All people start to  
__come apart, finally  
__and there it is  
__just empty ashtrays in a room  
__or wisps of hair on a comb  
__in the dissolving moonlight…"  
__ -Bukowski_

He had told her what he wanted her to do. It didn't take much convincing, just a figure written on a check. She hadn't questioned him again.

"Gracias, Rosa," Caleb Nichols smiled as he handed her the check.

She nodded silently and slipped the check into her purse.

He slipped off his Rolex and handed it to her. She pursed her lips and dropped it in with the check. It was a deal.

* * *

Sandy was exhausted. He had gone out after work for drinks and had to call a taxi to bring him home. Kirsten was sure to be pissed.

He just had so much on his mind and he needed some alcohol to clear his head. Seth wasn't talking to him. Ryan wasn't talking to anyone, he was sequestered in the poolhouse. And Kirsten, well, she was still his rock.

Ryan was turning out to be more of a problem child than he had anticipated. He loved the kid, he'd grown to love him and that's what made the situation so much worse. Something had happened, something had triggered the kid's anger and violence. Something about this Oliver kid was turning the quiet, humble boy he loved into the violent aggressive man in the poolhouse. Sandy had never met Ryan's father, he'd only seen the files, but he didn't want Ryan's emotional crisis to spiral out of control. He didn't want Ryan to turn out like his real father. But Ryan wasn't accepting his place in Sandy's family either.

So Sandy had tried to drink away his problems but they were right back at the front of his mind when he walked into the house. Kirsten wasn't home, her car was missing and Seth must have been out with Summer.

Sandy sat down at the counter and sighed. He was really drunk. He absently reached over and grabbed the phone and dialed for his messages. The numbers blurred.

"First new message…Sandy? It's Kirsten. I'm missing some of my jewelry, the rings and bracelets that I keep in the back of the closet? I'm just checking to see if you moved it or maybe took it to get it cleaned? Just give me a call on my cell, I'll be working late at the office…"

Sandy wouldn't touch her jewelry or move it. That was interesting. She must have misplaced it.

"Next new message…It's Caleb. I just wanted to let you know that I lost my watch over there. It's rather expensive and I'd appreciate it if you could set it aside for me. Thanks."

"Next new message…Hi, Cohens. It's Summer. I'm just looking for Seth, I'll try his cell…"

Sandy put the phone back down. The lights were on in the poolhouse and he decided to try to talk to the kid again. Ryan had attacked Oliver the day before and refused to talk about it. Something was causing Ryan to act out and he needed to know what it was. He needed to help Ryan.

Sandy staggered across the patio and took a moment outside the door to compose himself. He didn't want Ryan to know he was drunk but he didn't think he could sleep if he didn't at least try to talk to him. He needed to find out what was setting Ryan off.

He knocked on the door but didn't expect an answer. He stepped inside. The door to the bathroom was closed and he could hear the shower.

Sandy decided to wait. He sat down on Ryan's unmade bed. His foot bumped into something and he leaned over to see what it was. A shoebox. He didn't want to open it but he didn't think that he would be able to rest without seeing inside. It wasn't a shoebox from any of Ryan's shoes, it was size six. Kirsten's size. He pulled the top off. It was glittering with Kirsten's jewelry. Cash. Two watches.

He had done so much for Ryan. He had taken him in. Given him love and encouragement. A good education. Shelter.

And this was his reward? Ryan was a thief. He was stealing from them. He was hurting innocent kids.

Sandy couldn't believe he'd been this wrong.

"Sandy? Hey…" Ryan stepped out of the bathroom in sweatpants and his trademark wife beater.

"Ryan. What's this?"

Ryan's blue eyes betrayed nothing. Sandy couldn't read him. If he could read him then maybe this wouldn't have happened. "It looks like a shoebox. Where'd you get it?" Ryan asked.

"Don't lie to me."

Ryan was confused. "I'm not…"

"I can't believe you'd steal from us, from Kirsten…"

"I would never steal from you. What are you talking about?"

"I found it, Ryan. I found all the missing things under your bed…"

"Sandy's there's nothing under my bed, I use the shelves…" Ryan started.

Sandy stood up. He wouldn't let this kid lie to him again. "Sit down."

"Sandy…"

"Sit the hell down."

Ryan winced at his tone and obeyed. He was trembling.

"Has all this meant nothing? Were you just waiting until we trusted you to turn on us?"

"No, Sandy, I swear, I don't know what…" Ryan started, confused.

"If you needed money…"

"I don't, I didn't steal anything…"

"Shut up," Sandy snapped. He would listen to lies. He had his proof.

Ryan was silent and pale.

Sandy paced the floor. He wished he hadn't drunk so much but he was sober now. Ryan was a criminal. He had exposed his son and his wife to a criminal.

"Sandy, I swear to you…"

Sandy slapped him. He had never hit Seth. He had never hit a child. But Ryan was not a child. Sandy had to make him stop lying. His hand hurt.

Ryan was stunned. His cheek was red.

"I take you into my home and you take advantage of me…"

"No…" Ryan whispered. He had tears in his eyes.

"Tell me the truth."

"I am not stealing…"

Sandy couldn't believe that Ryan was still denying it. He had found the jewelry under Ryan's bed. And he still lied.

"I would never…"

"You attacked an innocent kid and you're stealing…"

"I didn't…"

Sandy hadn't registered his hand slapping Ryan again. He wouldn't apologize until he had the truth. He couldn't face him anymore. Looking at Ryan was looking at his own failure. His failure to protect his family. "I want you to go."

"What?" Ryan whispered. His nose was bleeding slightly.

"I want you out of my house. Get your shoes and go. Everything else is mine. Consider it rent." Sandy kept his voice steady and even.

Ryan was frozen. His blue eyes were dazed with disbelief.

Sandy grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him to his feet.

Ryan reacted, stepping back and raising his hands defensively.

"Get your shit and go."

Ryan slowly grabbed his shoes and stuffed his feet into them.

Sandy watched him, tense with anger and betrayal.

Ryan was trembling. He looked genuinely confused. His face was streaked with silent tears. He turned to face Sandy. "I would never do anything to intentionally hurt your family…"

"Stealing's not hurting them? Kirsten's family heirlooms? You don't think that hurts her?" He snapped.

"I didn't take anything…" Ryan said, emotion in his voice.

Sandy grabbed him by the arm, squeezing painfully. Ryan didn't pull away.

"If you come near my family again…" Sandy started and Ryan tried to pull away.

"Sandy…" Ryan whispered and Sandy punched him, releasing him in a heap on the floor.

Ryan coughed on the blood from his lip but he was on his feet and out the door before Sandy could finish his threat.

* * *

He walked. He'd reached the beach before he realized it. Now he carried his shoes in his hand and he walked down the beach.

It was beautiful. The waves were calming.

He hated himself. He had a ball of disgust in the pit of his stomach and it was spreading to every part of him. All people were flawed, he was just cursed to bring out the worst in people. Sandy and his family were good people and his presence had soured them.

He didn't take the jewelry. He didn't steal anything.

He didn't lie.

He should've said anything to make Sandy believe him…but Sandy had hit him.

Ryan had driven Sandy Cohen to violence.

He deserved his solitude.

He'd never believed his mother when she told him that he was the reason that her boyfriends turned on them…he'd thought that she just had bad taste in men. But now he knew differently. It really was all his fault.

He walked.

Seth thought he was insane with jealousy. Marissa wanted to be with Oliver and he couldn't save her. Sandy and Kirsten thought he was a thief. He didn't know what hurt more, they all hurt. And he didn't know who he was anymore.

So he'd walk.

He listened to the oceans and tried to figure out what they were whispering to him. And he walked.

* * *

When Seth woke up, police were everywhere. He managed to keep his cool while he rushed downstairs. His first thought was that Ryan had killed Oliver or something like that but when he saw his mother…he knew that something was really wrong. "What happened? Mom?"

"Sit down, Seth." Kirsten was exhausted. Sandy had finally fallen asleep in the guest room. Security was fingerprinting the rest of the house.

"Mom, what's going on?"

"Sandy found some missing things in Ryan's room," She said evenly. She didn't believe it. Ryan wouldn't steal from him. Sandy was wrong. He had to be. She was so angry at her husband but she knew that when he came to his fucking senses that he'd be more angry at himself.

"Mom…"

"Sandy thinks Ryan stole them. I disagree. So I called the police," Kirsten stated.

"You called the police? Where's Ryan? What missing things?" Seth was confused and on the verge of panic.

"Ryan is not here. There was some jewelry taken from my closet…"

"Ryan's never even been in your room…" Seth murmured.

"That's what I said. Your father overreacted but we're going to sort everything out…" She said.

"He didn't do it…he couldn't…he doesn't even take money from me, Mom…I mean…he's upset about Oliver but…"

"He wouldn't steal from us."

"Where is he?" Seth lowered his voice. "Is he in jail?"

"No. I don't know where he is."

Seth's eyes were dark with confusion. "What?"

"Your father asked him to leave." Kirsten sighed heavily. She had cried for hours before she called the police. She was tired. But her son needed her.

"Mom…"

"We'll find him. This is all a big mistake."

"He wouldn't…I don't believe it…"

* * *

It was a week before the police returned with their results. Sandy had been burying himself in his work, rarely showing his face at home before midnight. Seth and Kirsten had been painfully silent, devastated by the loss of Ryan and the traumatic way he was sent away. They didn't believe he was a thief but they couldn't convince Sandy.

Kirsten and Sandy were in the dining room with the detectives.

"There were only four sets of prints in the master bedroom. Both of yours, your son, Seth and Rosa Martinez. Seth's were mainly found around the entranceway," The detective said slowly. "Mr. Atwood's prints were only found in the main rooms, the poolhouse and your son's bedroom. The only prints on the shoebox were Mr. Cohen's and Mrs. Martinez. We investigated further…the only prints on the money and jewelry itself are Mrs. Martinez's…"

"Rosa has worked for us 15 years…" Kirsten muttered, stunned.

"Can we talk to her?" The detective asked.

"Oh god…what have I done…" Sandy whispered.

"She's outside watering the plants," Kirsten told the officers. They exited in search of the housekeeper.

"Sandy, you made a mistake…" She started.

"I…I just couldn't…oh God…I have to find him…I have to apologize…the things I said…none of them were true…"

"The police will find him…"

"If they find him…he's violated his probation…I have to…" Sandy was inconsolable.

Seth rushed in. "Something's happened…"

"Seth, what…" Kirsten gasped.

"Oliver tried to kill Marissa, right in the schoolyard…he shot himself, he's dead, but Ryan was right, the kid was crazy, he confessed everything…" Seth said quickly, hysterical.

"Seth, slow down…" Kirsten urged.

"Oliver's dead. He spilled his guts in front of the whole school…he made up his girlfriend to get Marissa to trust him, he antagonized Ryan into the fight so he'd get in trouble…Ryan was trying to protect her and I didn't believe him…"

"Seth, it's not your fault," Kirsten said.

The detective stepped in with a grim expression.

"Yes?" Kirsten sighed.

"Mrs. Martinez is coming with us. She took a bribe from someone to take the items and plant them."

Seth sat down and let out a shaky breath.

"Okay. Let's go find our kid," Kirsten said.

* * *

He'd walked into the tents a few days earlier. Surfer kids. Chasing the biggest wave and living off cheap pot and hot dogs. They'd taken him in. He thought that he must have been sleepwalking because he barely remembered the girls dragging him off the beach, giving him a bath and putting him to bed.

He'd been traveling with them since. They didn't ask questions and he didn't offer anything. There was a shared fear of cops and the mutual trust that can only come between strangers.

He didn't surf but he had swum out to help a couple of the surfers that got disoriented and struggled. The kids trusted him.

They called him 'Silent Bob.' Bobby for short.

He'd been out of Newport for 2 weeks before Karin approached him.

Karin was his current tent mate. She always smelled like suntan oil.

"Bobby, take a walk with me."

He shrugged and they stepped away from the gathered tents. He rarely spoke so he just walked beside her and waited for her to enlighten him.

"I was on the boardwalk today and I saw this flyer on one of the poles…" She pulled a piece of paper out of the waistband of her shorts.

Ryan took it from her. It was a picture of him at Chrismukkah. Cropped directly from the Christmas card because he'd never let them take any other photos of him.

**_Missing: Ryan Atwood  
_****_We made a mistake. Come home.  
_****_Please call if spotted: 595-555-5995.  
_****_Reward if found_**

Karin lit a cigarette as she let out a sigh. She passed the cigarette to him and he inhaled deeply before realizing it was a joint. He'd been mildly stoned since he moved into the tents though.

"It doesn't seem like a police search, man…maybe…"

"It's not my home."

"But your parents…"

"They're not my parents." He hit the joint again. He exhaled and appreciated the way the smoke seemed to calm his nerves. He turned and kissed her, crumpling the paper in his hand.

"Bobby…" She started.

"Thank everyone for me, okay?" He turned. He walked away.

As long as he could still walk away, he'd be okay.

* * *

"Sandy? Sandy, I'm going out."

"What?" Sandy asked.

She didn't want to tell him. He hadn't slept in days and he'd just taken a doctor prescribed sedative.

"I'll be back. Sleep."

He relaxed against the pillow. She closed the door.

They'd found a kid matching Ryan's description in a hospital down the coast. The kid had no ID. and was dehydrated, exhausted and suffering from exposure. They said he hadn't eaten in days and that he was unresponsive.

Ryan was just a quiet kid. Unresponsive to them could mean that he didn't want to talk to them.

She drove like a woman possessed. And she was.

Ryan was a good kid, she didn't doubt him, she never doubted him. She loved her husband but he got blinded by his protectiveness of his family. She'd make it right again.

She knew something had happened between her husband and Ryan. There had been blood in the poolhouse.

She wouldn't consider either scenario. Ryan wouldn't hurt Sandy and Sandy would never hit a child. Especially not Ryan. He'd been on the wrong end of too many fists. Sandy wouldn't do it. He wasn't capable.

She parked, hours later, at the hospital. An officer met her in the lobby.

"Where? Is he awake? Is he okay?"

"He hasn't woken up, Mrs. Cohen. It might not be him," The officer warned.

"I have to see him."

The officer took her to a private room.

And it was Ryan. He was thin and his face was sunken. His skin was dark brown from the sun.

"Mrs. Cohen?" The officer called.

"It's him. I want to see his doctors. I want to take him home."

The officer nodded and disappeared.

She touched his cheek gently. It was warm. His breathing was steady. He was alive.

"Ryan? Ryan, everything's going to be okay, now…" She would make him believe it. If he'd wake up.

He didn't respond. He was sleeping. She let him rest. She hoped that he'd have calm dreams.

* * *

"Ryan."

He opened his eyes and blinked at her. He hoped he was dreaming. He didn't ask her here. She wasn't here. He was dreaming. He was tired.

"How do you feel?" She touched his arm and he flinched involuntarily. He wasn't dreaming. Her face was drawn with worry. "Ryan, Rosa took the jewelry. My father paid her," She said slowly. "And its time for you to come home."

He shook his head.

"I don't care what Sandy said to you. It's my house and its your home."

He wouldn't look at her. It wasn't her decision. Sandy had brought him home, Sandy was the one that wanted him there. He didn't want him around Kirsten or Seth. He was so fucking tired.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there. I know that you would never do anything like that…"

"I can't go back."

"Yes, you can. We'll figure everything out, we'll work it out," She said urgently.

"I can't…" He closed his eyes. He didn't want to cry but he was too tired to stop the tears.

He had nowhere to go. He didn't fit anywhere. He was meant to be alone.

"Ryan, I am not your mother. But I want to take care of you. I love you. I want to take you home."

"I…"

"Home. I'll take care of everything. I promise."

He met her gaze.

He had nowhere to go. He'd go with her. There was nowhere else. He'd figure it out.

* * *

Kirsten was worried. Ryan hadn't spoken and the closer they got to Newport, the more he had pushed himself into the corner of the seat.

"Ryan, everything's going to be okay."

He shook his head slightly. He looked so tired, so sad. He was so hurt.

"I'm going to call the house and let them know…"

"He doesn't know you found me?" Ryan whispered. Kirsten realized that Ryan was frightened. Something was seriously wrong. "Kirsten, I won't go back…he said…"

"I don't care what he said…"

Ryan had his eyes closed tightly and he was shaking his head. He was shaking.

"Ryan, I wanted to come for you alone. Sandy's beside himself, he made a horrible mistake and…"

"Please stop the car, Kirsten…" His eyes were searching for an exit that didn't lead to the freeway.

"Listen, Ryan." She took his hand and he froze. "Do you trust me?"

"Kirsten…" His voice was a whisper.

"I will keep Sandy away from you until you're ready. I promise." She hoped he believed her. He'd had so many promises broken but she knew that if she could get him home that she could fix this.

He deflated. He was trembling and she thought that he was about to shatter into pieces.

"Honey, we all make mistakes. I don't want to make excuses for Sandy but I love him and I love you. You did nothing wrong."

Ryan didn't react.

"Please, say something."

"I don't want to do this. Sandy doesn't want me here. Seth doesn't…"

"Oliver Trask killed himself. He admitted everything. Seth made a mistake and…"

"Is Marissa okay?"

"Yes, Ryan, she's fine. I think a lot of people owe you an apology…"

"I don't want apologies…I want…I wanted trust…I trusted Seth…I trusted Sandy but to them…I'll always be a criminal…"

"Stop, that's not true…"

"Sandy said that he didn't want me to come near his family…"

"Sandy was wrong. He was confused and…"

"He didn't believe me…" Ryan whispered. "I'd never lie to him…and he didn't believe me…"

"Ryan…"

"I'm only here because of you," He said suddenly. "You have always made it clear how you felt and you still came for me…"

"What? How I felt?"

"I mean, you've never trusted me, you've never hidden that fact, but Seth and Sandy…"

"Ryan, I love you. I trust you. I'd trust you with my life…I'm sorry if I didn't show it…"

Ryan had his eyes closed. "You should call them."

Kirsten sighed. She opened her phone and dialed home.

"Hello?"

"Seth. Can I talk to your father?"

"He's asleep, he freaked out when you didn't come home and I made him take a pill."

"I'm bringing Ryan home. I don't want your father to see him right away…"

"Is he okay?"

"He needs to rest."

"Can I see him?"

"Not right away."

Seth was silent. She knew how devastated he was. He needed to see Ryan. But she had no idea how Ryan was actually going to react once he was back.

"I'll tell Dad. Are you guys hungry? I'll order dinner."

"Good idea. Thank you."

* * *


	2. Two

_"How to break clear?  
__A .44 magnum?  
__A can of ale?  
__The museum of pain  
__doesn't charge admission,  
__It's free as skunkshit…"  
__ -Bukowski_

He was numb. He hadn't considered the ramifications of returning with Kirsten. He didn't know what to do so he'd taken the easy way out and obeyed her. She genuinely seemed to care and he really wanted to believe. He had decided to trust her. She'd never done anything to make him doubt her intentions.

They'd walked around the house, not venturing into the front door but taking the path around the side. She entered the poolhouse first, flipping on the light switch.

All his things were exactly where he'd left them. He'd figured Sandy had destroyed everything or sold it. But everything was still there.

Not that he would ever feel comfortable using anything again. Sandy thought he was taking advantage of his family. He'd never feel the same wearing the clothes that Kirsten had bought for him. He didn't want to eat their food, take their money, go to their school. He couldn't survive here.

"Ryan…"

He sat down on the bed. He wasn't surprised when she sat down beside him. He was still shaking.

"Where did you go?"

"I walked," He murmured.

"You walked. Where were you going?"

He didn't meet her eyes. He didn't have anywhere to go. "Nowhere. I was just walking."

"Walking."

He nodded. He knew what she was going to ask next.

"What happened between you and Sandy?"

"You said you didn't care what he said." He kept his voice low.

"Did he hit you?"

He didn't answer.

"Ryan? Please tell me."

"No. He didn't touch me."

She sighed and took his hand. He was still shaking. "Don't lie to me."

"He didn't touch me." It wasn't a lie. He knew the rules too well. If someone hit you, someone in a position of authority, you never told. His bruised were gone. He wouldn't tell. It wasn't a lie.

"Ryan. This is your home. I want you to get some rest."

He had to go. He couldn't stay, he wouldn't. He wasn't welcome.

"Why don't you go get a shower and get changed. I'll bring some food out for you."

"I'm not…"

"You haven't eaten in days, Ryan, and that hospital food isn't going to sustain you. Get cleaned up and I'll be right here when you're done, okay?"

He had no choice but to obey. She wanted him to stay. She'd come for him. She'd searched until she found him. He wouldn't let her down. He wouldn't hurt her, not when she was trying so hard. He got up and went into the bathroom.

He stripped off the clothes that he had inherited from the surfer kids and stepped into the shower. He turned the water on as hot as he could stand. He hadn't had a real shower in almost three weeks. He didn't think he'd ever be able to scrub the grime off his skin. He was dirty.

He couldn't believe he was back here. Not after Sandy's words. _"I take you into my home and you take advantage of me…"_

He wished he could wash out his brain. Being here, after all the things that Sandy had said…was just wrong. But Kirsten had come for him. He wanted to trust her. He had no other choice. He washed himself and tried to clear his head.

Finally, he felt better. He was still exhausted but he felt cleaner. On the outside.

He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He didn't want to wear the clothes in the poolhouse. He didn't want to be here. But he couldn't walk around naked.

Kirsten was sitting on the bed with Seth when he stepped out. Several boxes of takeout were spread out on the bed. He didn't speak to them as he quietly went to the shelves. He pulled out a pair of boxers, sweatpants and one of his wifebeaters from the shelves.

"Oh my god…" Seth gasped as he realized that he was there. "You're like a skeleton…"

He'd known he'd lost weight but he hadn't considered the amount. He ducked back into the bathroom and pulled on his clothes. His boxers were loose and the elastic in the sweatpants didn't keep them from dropping low on his hips. He sighed. He ran his hands through his hair and steadied himself. Seth was out there.

He stepped out.

"Ryan?" Kirsten called quietly. He walked over to the bed and before he could react, Seth had his arms around him.

"I'm so sorry…I am so fucking sorry…" Seth muttered, hugging him.

"It's okay…" He murmured in reply. It wasn't okay. But he had to make Seth give him some space. He wished that all it took was a few words to make everything okay but it didn't. It just didn't work like that.

Seth finally released him. "I knew you didn't take those things. If I had been here…"

"Seth. Give him some air, okay?" Kirsten said quietly. Ryan sat down between them on the bed.

"So I ordered a little of everything because I didn't know what you'd want…" Seth said. His voice trailed off as he saw that Ryan wasn't responding.

Ryan didn't want to eat. He thought he'd lost the capacity to eat. The aromas that should be enticing were turning his stomach.

"You have to try and eat something, Ryan. Please." Kirsten's voice brought him out of his trance.

He accepted a tray from Seth's hands.

"Ryan, I need to go inside for a little while. Will you be okay?"

He nodded.

"Seth's going to stay, is that all right?"

He didn't care. He nodded.

"Please don't run off, okay? Everything will be okay…" She said. She squeezed Ryan's shoulder and he met her gaze with hopeless eyes. She'd never seen him so vulnerable.

"Go, mom. It's all right." Seth had softened his tone.

Kirsten left. Ryan stared at the food blankly.

"Dude. What's up?"

"I'm not hungry."

"You…you have to eat, man. You're…really thin," Seth said.

He sighed. He lifted a piece of chicken and put it in his mouth warily.

"What happened to you?" Seth asked.

Ryan didn't respond. He concentrated on chewing the chicken. He swallowed and mechanically lifted another piece to his mouth.

"I…I'm sorry, man. Please…can you forgive me?"

Ryan was eating. The chicken was sitting in his stomach like lead. He didn't want to listen to Seth. He didn't want to look at him.

"Did Mom tell you about Oliver?" He asked quietly. "Are you ever going to talk to me again?"

Ryan wasn't really angry at Seth. Ryan was hurt and disappointed but he realized that Seth was a kid and he was too self-obsessed to intentionally hurt him.

He hadn't left because of Seth. He'd left because Sandy had kicked him out. Sandy thought he was a danger to Seth and Kirsten. He was a criminal.

"Ryan…" Seth had tears on his cheeks.

"Don't cry," Ryan whispered. He couldn't take more tears.

"Why did you go? You didn't do it…why would you just leave?"

Ryan couldn't tell Seth what Sandy had said. He wouldn't. He put another piece of chicken into his mouth.

"Ryan…"

"You don't have to say anything. There's nothing to say."

Seth's lip quivered as he tried not to cry.

Ryan ate one more piece of chicken before putting the tray down and turning to face his friend. "Maybe you should go."

"I'm supposed to stay with you," Seth replied quietly.

Ryan shrugged. He was tired. He stretched out on the bed and tried to stop shaking.

* * *

Kirsten found her husband in the kitchen. He was frazzled and hadn't shaved since the police had told them about Rosa. He was watching the poolhouse.

"How is he?"

"He's okay. I need to know something, Sandy."

Sandy looked at her. He knew what she was going to ask him. She hadn't asked him before, she was too worried about the answer. But Ryan was home now. He had to face what he had done.

"Okay."

"What did you say to him?" Kirsten asked. She had to know.

Sandy shuddered. He didn't want to repeat what he'd said. He'd been drunk and stupid and the things he said…he couldn't take back.

"Sandy. I need to know what you said to him." She needed to know.

"I said…that he had waited until we trusted him to turn on us. I told him to get out of my house and to leave everything…that it'd be his rent…" Sandy whispered. He couldn't look at her. He was so ashamed. Ryan would never forgive him. She'd never forgive him.

"Did you hit him?"

He felt the tears escape from his eyes.

"Sandy. Did you hit him?"

He nodded.

She slapped him. "How the hell could you do that?"

"I'm sorry…" He whispered. Her face was dark with anger.

"I asked him, point blank if you touched him and he said no. He said no, Sandy. You hit him…I can't believe you hit him…"

He couldn't either. It was like he was out of his head. He thought Ryan was a criminal, that he was out to hurt his family. If he'd been sober, he'd have thought it out more. Ryan was not a criminal. He knew that. He'd always known that. Except for when he found the jewelry.

"Sandy. We have to fix this. You have to fix this. Ryan…he's not himself. He'll barely speak to me, the doctors say he hasn't eaten a full meal in weeks. Weeks, Sandy! He's been wandering around on the beach…" Her anger was gone, the only emotion on her face now was stark concern.

"What am I supposed to say to make him forgive me?"

"Whatever you have to say, Sandy. You brought him into the family and I'll be damned if I'll lose him over something like this. My father is trying to tear apart my family and I won't stand for it," Kirsten said.

"Can I see him? Is he okay?" Sandy whispered.

"He's not okay. He's lost over twenty pounds. He's skin and bones," She replied. "I'm going to stay with him…"

"Can I see him?"

"I need to talk to him first."

* * *

Seth was sitting on the end of Ryan's bed when his mother returned. Ryan was lying in silence on the bed, trembling. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say.

"Seth?"

"He ate a little of the chicken," He said slowly.

"Ryan?" She called.

He sat up immediately, curling his legs under him.

"Honey, you have to try and eat, okay?" Kirsten glanced at Seth. "Seth, why don't you go inside?"

He stood up and left the poolhouse.

Kirsten sat down beside Ryan on the bed and set a tray of fries in front of him.

"Ryan. I talked to Sandy…" She tried to ignore the tremor that ran through him when she mentioned her husband's name. "He wants to talk to you. Will you talk to him?"

He shrugged. She slid the plate closer to him. He reluctantly put a French fry in his mouth.

"He told me the truth. Why didn't you?"

Ryan's eyes were dark.

"It was wrong. No one should ever hit you. You didn't deserve to get hit. If you don't want to see him, then I'll respect that…"

"What do you want me to do?" He asked quietly.

"What do you want to do?" She replied immediately.

He didn't respond.

"This is a big mess. My father…he did this to tear us apart. He wanted us to get rid of you. But he lost his family instead. I will never forgive him for what he did," She started.

Ryan put another fry in his mouth. She watched him chew deliberately.

"But I want my family back. I don't know if you can forgive Sandy, I don't even know if you should forgive him…but he loves you. God, he loves you, Ryan. Seeing both of you in pain like this…"

"I'll do whatever you want," He whispered. "I'll see him. I'll talk to him…"

"Will you talk to him? Not just listen, but talk to him?" She asked. She didn't want him to do it for her but if it was the only way, then she'd take it.

He nodded.

"I'll get him. And I'll be right here with you, okay? There's nothing to be afraid of…"

"I'm not afraid…"

She knew he was lying. He was trembling worse now.

"Are you cold? Do you want a sweatshirt?" She asked.

"I'm fine. I don't need anything…"

"This is your home. These are your things. Forget everything that Sandy said to you, okay? He was wrong. This is my house. I own it. And everything in here is yours."

He wouldn't meet her gaze. He nodded finally.

"Are you cold, Ryan?"

"I'll get it," He sighed. He stood up and went to the shelves and retrieved a sweatshirt. It swallowed his thin frame.

"If you want to wait, Ryan…"

"I'll see him, Kirsten. I'll do whatever you want…"

She sighed. He sat back down on the bed. His hair was curtaining his face and she couldn't see his eyes. "I'll get him. Are you sure…"

"Kirsten. If you want me to stay…I'll stay. And if I stay…I have to face him," He whispered.

"I want you to stay," She replied.

He nodded. "Then I'll make things right."

"Ryan, you didn't do anything wrong…"

"Seth, he asked me why I left…was I supposed to stay? After all that Sandy said…was I supposed to stay?" Ryan asked. "Because…I couldn't stay…do you understand?"

"I know why you left. I understand. But it's over now. It's in the past. It was a mistake…"

He closed his eyes. Somehow, she knew that he'd heard this before. There was nothing she could say. She couldn't make excuses for her husband.

"You should go get him," Ryan sighed.

She got up quickly and went into the kitchen. Seth was gone but her husband hadn't moved. He was sitting and watching the poolhouse. "Come on."

"He…he's going to see me?"

"I'll be right beside him, Sandy. If he gets upset, then you're going to have to be the one to leave. You're the adult here and you should have acted like it. He needs you…god, I don't know what to do but I know that you two have to work this out. I won't lose him any more than I'll lose you. Are you ready?"

He nodded.


	3. Three

_"In the sun and in the rain  
__and in the day and in the night  
__pain is a flower  
__pain is flowers  
__blooming all the time."  
__ -Bukowski_

Sandy was petrified. He didn't want to face Ryan. He'd hurt him. He'd offered the kid a real life, a good stable life and he'd betrayed him. Ryan was not a criminal. He was a kid who was doing everything he could to make a life for himself and Sandy had let him down. Sandy had forced him back on the streets. He'd promised Ryan safety and stability and he'd punished him for accepting them. It didn't matter if Ryan forgave him. He'd never forgive himself.

Kirsten stepped inside first.

Sandy was stricken when he saw Ryan.

He looked sick. Deathly ill.

He had hurt this boy. He had killed the spirit of this child.

"Sandy. You should close the door," Kirsten said quietly. She sat beside Ryan. He was trembling inside a frayed black sweatshirt. Sandy recognized it. Ryan had brought it from Chino.

He stepped inside. He felt nauseous. He sat down in the chair, several feet from the bed. The room was painfully silent.

"I'm sorry…" He started to sob.

It was uncontrollable. He was so relieved to see Ryan again, safe. But he had driven him away. He had almost killed Ryan, one of the best kids he'd ever known.

"Sandy, honey, stop…" Kirsten was beside him now, holding him.

Ryan was trembling violently now. He had his arms wrapped around his body as if he was freezing to death.

"I'm sorry…I'm okay…" Sandy finally caught his breath and recovered. He steadied himself. Kirsten released him. She returned to Ryan's side.

"Ryan…I have never made a bigger mistake…you have exceeded every one of my expectations…you have earned my love, my trust and my respect…"

Ryan visibly recoiled. He was shaking his head, affected.

"Ryan, I was wrong…I am so sorry…nothing I say will ever be enough…" Sandy said.

Ryan was silent. His eyes were glued to the blanket he was sitting on.

"You didn't do anything wrong…I did everything…I accused you, I didn't listen…I thoroughly fucked up…and I hit you…" He stopped himself.

Ryan was still.

"Ryan. You said you'd try to talk to him. Don't you have anything to say? How do you feel?" Kirsten urged.

Ryan opened his mouth to speak but immediately closed it again. His blue eyes were unfocused. He sighed.

"You thought I was a criminal…" He stated slowly. "You had proof…so you called me on it. But the part that got me was…I could see that you've always had that in the back of your mind…and no matter what I do…I will never get past that…I'll always be the delinquent you brought home…"

"I was wrong…" Sandy whispered, stricken.

"It doesn't matter," Ryan replied.

"You are not a criminal…" Kirsten said suddenly. "You are Ryan, you are…my son…"

"I'm not your son…" Ryan shuddered at her touch. "If you want me to be honest, I don't think…I don't think I can do this again…I don't think I can be here…I should go…" He started to get up.

"No, Ryan, wait…its okay, we'll stop talking, we'll just…" Kirsten said, taking his arm urgently.

He hesitated. He was torn by his need to escape and his want for her comfort.

"Just sit. Okay? Everything's okay…" She said.

"I just don't know what you want me to say…" Ryan whispered, settling back into a sitting position.

"Just tell me what I have to do to make this right…tell me what I have to say to make you stay…to get you to let me be a part of your life…" Sandy said. "I'll do whatever you say…"

Ryan shook his head, tears in his eyes. He mumbled soundlessly as if he couldn't vocalize his words. He covered his face.

"Okay…Sandy, you should go…" Kirsten gave him a helpless look.

All Sandy wanted to do was wrap Ryan in his arms and make him better. But he couldn't touch him. He'd violated an unwritten rule. He got up and walked slowly back to the house.

"Ryan, look at me…" She took his trembling hands and held them tightly until he met her gaze.

"I'm sorry…" He whispered. He shouldn't have said anything, talking just got him into more trouble. He knew that Sandy was sorry, the man's eyes were full of regret. He knew about making mistakes, god knows, he's made enough of his own, but he just couldn't handle the look on his face. He was so tired that he didn't have control of his own emotions.

"Don't be sorry…you told what you felt…but you belong here, okay? We took you into our home and no matter how angry Sandy was when he said those things to you…you belong here. I want you to get some rest."

He nodded. He wanted to rest.

"Are you okay?"

"I'll be okay. He apologized. Seth apologized. I'll get over it…" He whispered.

"Ryan…"

"I'll be okay. I'm just really tired…"

"I guess so. Do you mind if I stay with you?" She asked. She was gathering all the uneaten food boxes and cleaning off the bed.

"You scared I'll run off?" He asked, tiredly.

"Yeah, I am…" She admitted.

"I just need some time, Kirsten. I mean…all of this kind of got thrown at me…"

"You've been gone for three weeks…"

"Yeah, and the whole time I was thinking that this part of my life was over…when I woke up in the hospital and saw you there…I didn't know what to think…I still don't know what to think…" He muttered.

"Okay, honey…"

"You're being so nice…" He sighed as she pulled the covers down on the bed.

"Because I want this all to be over. I want my family back. And you're a part of my family," She whispered. "You're still shivering. I'll get you another blanket."

He slipped under the covers. He hadn't slept in a bed for so long. He hadn't slept in so long. He closed his eyes.

* * *

Ryan woke up a few times throughout the night but he didn't disturb Kirsten. She was asleep in the chair, watching over him. He'd slipped to the bathroom once and the other times, he'd simply stared out the window.

He was stronger than this. He'd let her see him cry.

He had crawled back to his real mother enough times that this shouldn't be anything new for him. His mom and her numerous boyfriends had kicked him out countless times and he'd left long enough for their anger to settle before returning. But this time it was different.

It was Sandy. Sandy had sent him away. The one person who had always believed in him…had sent him away.

But it was all a mistake. Caleb had framed him. Sandy wasn't in his right mind, he had been drunk. He wanted him back. He wanted another chance.

He'd forgiven his mother for much worse sins but she'd never truly believed in him. She needed him. But Sandy…Ryan had let himself think that he was different. That he really thought that Ryan was a good person, that he was capable of being a good man.

It didn't matter. He was seventeen. He only had to last a year. He could survive anywhere. He could survive here. He'd take just enough of their charity to get by, he'd go to the school they wanted, he'd eat, he'd do the chores they wanted, and he'd survive here.

He was steady today. He was sore and tired but he wasn't on the verge of tears anymore. He had to face Sandy and Seth. He had to face them all. He'd be fine.

He got up, careful not to wake Kirsten and grabbed some clothes before going into the bathroom. He took a quick shower and tried to ignore the headache nagging at him. He got dressed and stepped back out into the poolhouse.

"Thank god, Ryan…" Kirsten was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking worried. "I thought…"

"I just took a shower. I'm still here."

"Are you hungry? I can bring you some breakfast…" She said immediately.

"I probably need to eat," He admitted. He didn't meet her gaze, he didn't want to see her worry. "Can I come inside?"

"Of course, Ryan…you know that Seth and Sandy are in there, though, right?"

Ryan sighed. "If I'm going to stay here…then we're going to run into each other, right? Everything's okay."

"I'm sorry, but I don't believe you. Last night, you couldn't even talk to him…" She said quietly.

"I needed to sleep on it…"

"Ryan, if you can't stand to be here, then I'll…I'll help you however I can…"

Ryan was surprised by her offer.

"I don't want you to pretend that everything's okay when it's not," She said.

He sat down on the bed and sighed. "Kirsten. I thought you wanted me to work through this…"

"I do…"

"Then let me. Sandy's not the first person to raise his hand to me and I doubt he'll be the last. It's fine. That's not why I was upset. I…"

"You trusted him and you thought he trusted you…I know…"

"But he's sorry and I…I don't have anywhere else to turn. He's a good man…he was only doing what he thought was best for his family…"

"You're a part of his family…"

Ryan shook his head, trying to think of a way he could explain. "I can't promise anything, Kirsten, but I have to try and stick it out here. I don't have anywhere else…"

Her blue eyes flashed. "That's not the reason you should stay. I don't want you here because you don't have anywhere else to go, I want you here because you're a member of this family."

He didn't know how to respond. He wasn't a Cohen. He wasn't a part of this family. He wasn't a part of any family. They'd all given him a home, given him security but it wasn't real. They didn't think of him as a family member, he was their charity case. Their 'pet'.

"Ryan?"

"What do you want me to do?" He sighed.

"Stop asking me that. I'm trying…"

"And I'm trying, too. I thought you wanted me to make this right…" Ryan said, confused. He didn't know how to please her, he couldn't make her stop worrying.

She sighed.

"Nothing I say is going to make this right," He said finally. "Nothing. Sandy's never going to forgive himself for losing his temper and I'll never forget those words that he said to me. I'm sorry, but that's the truth…"

"So, you're just going to stay here until you hit eighteen and then just disappear? Because of what my father did? You're going to let him win?" Kirsten had tears in her eyes.

"Kirsten…"

"No. I want you to forgive Sandy. I want you to forgive Seth. I want you to accept your place in this family and accept that you deserve all of this and more. That's what I want from you." She was upset and crying. She didn't know what to do either.

He didn't reply.

"Ryan…"

"Nothing I say is going to be right. So I'm not going to say anything. I won't make you promises that I can't keep. I'm sorry. If you don't want me to go inside then I'll wait here for you to bring me something. Or I'll go back to sleep," He whispered.

"No, honey. I'm sorry…I just…"

"I know." He knew. She was trying to put her family back together. What she didn't realize was that he wasn't a part of her family. He didn't fit.

"Let's go inside," She said.

He followed her out of the poolhouse. They went into the kitchen and were both surprised to find it empty.

"You should get some rest. I don't want to be responsible for your collapse," Ryan said quietly. "I'm going to try and find something that isn't too heavy to eat."

"Help yourself, Ryan," Kirsten said. She glanced at him, concerned but left him unattended.

He knew that he'd missed a lot since she wasn't going to work and Sandy's car was still here. Apparently, Seth wasn't needed at school either since she'd mentioned that he was here.

He went to the refrigerator and his stomach turned when he saw all the food on the shelves. They always had too much food. He didn't want anything. Nothing that he saw made him want to eat. He heard something behind him.

"Hey, man," Seth nodded. He was standing in the doorway, hesitant.

"Hey. No school?"

"I haven't been in a couple of weeks. I just…couldn't go," He said quietly.

Ryan didn't know what to say. He returned his attention to the refrigerator. "Do you want some breakfast?"

"Are you cooking?" Seth replied. "I mean, we haven't had a home cooked meal since Mom fired Rosa…" He hesitated.

"That sucks. I don't want anything," He muttered aloud. "What do you want?"

"What do I want? You're not hungry?"

"No. But I have to eat or your mother's going to kick my ass. So what do you want?" Ryan asked, turning to face him.

"How about pancakes? Or scrambled eggs? Or sausage?" Seth suggested.

Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"You asked," Seth gave him a slight smile.

"Yeah. Okay. But you're helping…" Ryan muttered. Seth smiled widely.

He started passing items to Seth who set them on the counter. Once he was satisfied, he went to the stove and got out a couple of frying pans. He started with the eggs first.

"Man…it's really good to have you back."

"Thanks."

"So…where did you go? And why are you talking to me today when last night you wouldn't even look at me?"

Ryan glared at him but he was glad that Seth wasn't crying today. He could handle an apologetic Seth, but not a crying Seth.

"I walked," Ryan replied.

"You walked. Where?"

"Down the beach."

"For three weeks."

Ryan nodded.

"Dude…that's just…odd."

Ryan smiled slightly as he seasoned the eggs.

"I'm sorry, man. I mean it…"

"I know. It's okay…well, it's not really, but it will be…you know?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah. I guess. No…actually…what's up?" Seth asked, confused.

"What's up?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah. What's up? Last night…"

"Your mom came and picked me up from the hospital. I wasn't exactly together when you saw me," Ryan said evenly.

"So…we're cool now, right?" Seth asked.

"Getting there. I mean…" Ryan turned to face his friend. "I mean…it hurt when you didn't believe me about Oliver…but no one really believed me. But that's not why I left…"

"You left because…because Dad told you to, right? He kicked you out…"

Ryan returned his attention to the eggs.

"What happened?"

Ryan shrugged. "Ask Sandy. I don't want to talk about it."

"Dad's…he's been pretty upset. It's like…he won't even talk to me…or mom…he's just…" Seth began.

"Wracked with guilt," Sandy finished quietly from the doorway.

"Hey, Dad," Seth was flushed.

"Want some breakfast?" Ryan asked, not turning around.

"I'm not really hungry," Sandy replied. He was clearly surprised to have Ryan speaking to him.

"Yeah, me either, but Kirsten insists that eating is like, a necessity or something," Ryan replied. He turned and met Sandy's startled gaze.

"She's right, too," Seth said, glancing between Ryan and his father.

"So right now we have scrambled eggs," Ryan said, returning his attention to the stove. "And Seth requested pancakes and sausage so that's next."

"What inspired this?" Sandy asked quietly.

"He's not hungry but he has to eat. Haven't we been through this?" Seth smirked.

"Any requests?"

"Well, Kirsten would love some of your bacon, I'm sure…" Sandy went to the refrigerator and pulled out a package of bacon. He hesitated and didn't walk around the counter, instead, he passed the package to Seth.

"Coming up," Ryan replied.

"What's that smell?" Kirsten asked walking in with her hair still damp. She walked over and put her arm around her husband, kissing his cheek.

"Food. Actual home-cooked food," Seth replied. He was leaning on the counter beside Ryan, as if he was scared he'd disappear if he let him out of his sight.

"Yum. Can I help?"

"No," Seth and Sandy said in unison.

"Seth, why don't you start the coffee. Sandy, can you mix up the pancake batter?" Ryan said, not turning around.

Kirsten gave Sandy a reassuring hug before going to start setting the table.

Sandy hesitantly stepped around the counter and started mixing the pancake batter in a large bow.

"Relax," Ryan said to him, startling him and making him jump. "I'm not going to bite you."

"Really?" Sandy asked.

Ryan gave him a slight smile. "Really. I'm not hungry."

Sandy relaxed a little and continued mixing the batter. "I'm sorry about last night…"

"Me, too. I'm better now. Everything's okay?"

"It's okay? It's not okay, Ryan…"

"I know. But it's better. You were wrong. You made a mistake. It's in the past," Ryan muttered. Seth was watching them curiously from beside the coffeemaker.

"In the past…"

Ryan stopped flipping the sausage and turned to look Sandy in the face. "If we ever want to get back to normal, then we have to leave all that in the past." His gaze flickered to the bowl in Sandy's hand. "Are you done with that?"

"Yeah, I'm done…" Sandy stammered, passing him the bowl.

Ryan used an empty frying pan and started the pancakes.

* * *

After breakfast, Ryan retreated to the poolhouse. Kirsten was meeting with Dr. Kim to discuss Ryan's reenrollment in Harbor. They had withdrawn him from school in order to make sure he didn't fail the classes because of attendance.

Seth was inspired by Ryan's breakfast and was convinced that everything was going to be okay. He had given both of his parents big hugs and told them that everything was going to be fine.

Ryan was surprised to find that he felt better. Once Sandy had relaxed and Seth had relaxed, he'd relaxed, too. They didn't mean it. He knew that they had to at least get back into the swing of acting normal if they were going to get through this. He could tell that Sandy and Kirsten doubted his turnabout but he'd convince them.

He'd always forgiven his mother for her sins. He could learn to do it for the Cohens, too.

He glanced up when he heard the slight knock on the door.

"Ryan?"

"Marissa." He turned when he heard her voice. He ignored her gasp. He wasn't ready to face her yet. He couldn't help her.

"Hey. You're back…"

"Did you even know I was gone?" Ryan asked. He didn't mean to be cold. But he was.

She walked into the poolhouse, leaving the door open. He could smell liquor on her breath when she embraced him.

"I'm so sorry…Oliver was…"

"I heard. I'm sorry."

"I should have listened to you…"

"It's too late." He shook off her hug. He was forgiving Seth and Sandy. But he didn't want to forgive her. He was a hypocrite. But she didn't care about him. She didn't believe him, she'd said awful things to him…but so had they.

"I'm sorry, Ryan…can we just…start over?"

"I need some time. I've had a long couple of weeks…"

She seemed to look at him for the first time. "You've lost weight…you look…awful…what happened to you?"

"I don't really want to talk about it." He knew that he was right. She didn't even know he was gone. She only came looking for him after she lost Oliver.

"Ryan…I made a mistake. I…I need you…"

"You don't need me. I'm sorry. Why aren't you at school?"

"I quit. Dad said…he said that he'd help me however he could and school's not helping…but you help…will you help me? Will you give me another chance?" She whispered. Ryan turned away from her and took several steps until he was on the patio in the open air.

"No. I can't. Not right now." He was supposed to be cold. "You should go."

"Ryan, please…"

"No. You should go," He repeated.

She followed him out and he could hear the slur in her voice as she spoke softly to him. "Don't give up on us. I made a mistake. Let me fix it…"

"I can't be with you right now. It's too soon…"

"He killed himself right in front of me, Ryan…I had his blood on me…and all I could think about was you…how I was so wrong for not listening to you…" She whispered, her hands on his thin arms.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that…"

"I love you. I want another chance. Let me make it up to you…"

"I can't, Marissa. Not right now. Why don't you go home?"

"Will you call me?"

He sighed. He didn't want to call her. But he knew that he would. He'd have to make sure she was all right.

"Ryan…"

"I'll call you later, Marissa."

She kissed him on the cheek and he didn't pull away in time. She kissed his lips and he could taste the alcohol.

"I love you. I'll talk to you soon."

Ryan watched her walk back into the house. He sat down on a stray pool chair and let out a ragged breath.


	4. Fin

_"…Finally,   
__there__ is nothing here for death to  
__take  
__away__…"  
__ --Bukowski_

"Honey?" Kirsten called. She'd walked outside to check on Ryan and found him sitting in a pool chair, trembling. He flinched at her touch, startled. She sat down beside him. He was so thin…

"I'm okay."

"What are you doing out here?" She asked. "You've been outside for weeks, you need your rest, have you eaten anything since breakfast?"

"I'm okay."

"Ryan…"

"I'm okay," He repeated, as if he could make it true. Kirsten put her arm around him.

"It's okay if you're not okay."

"Marissa came by. She's drunk. She wants me to forgive her."

Kirsten didn't respond immediately. She was ambivalent on Marissa Cooper. The girl had a lot of problems and instead of dealing with them, she seemed to transfer them to whoever was around at the time. If Ryan hadn't been so caught up in protecting her from that Oliver kid, he wouldn't have gotten in the fight and Sandy wouldn't have been so upset…but it wasn't Marissa's fault. She made a mistake.

Ryan was looking at her. "I'm tired, Kirsten. I feel like I've wasted so much time on things that don't matter…like everything that Marissa and I went through was for nothing because she didn't believe me…"

"Sandy didn't believe you, either, Ryan…" Kirsten said quietly. She knew the boy was torn up, that his mind was full of conflicting promises from people that had let him down. No one seemed to ever come through for Ryan. She wanted to prove to him that she would come through. She wanted him to talk to her and to talk this out.

"But he cared when I was gone…she didn't even know…she didn't even know what happened, she…" He shook his head, torn. "I'm sorry. I'm going to lie down."

"Talk to me, Ryan. Please."

He shook his head. "I'm fine. I'll lie down inside."

She walked with him to the poolhouse. He sat down immediately on the bed and wasn't surprised when she sat down beside him.

"Maybe you shouldn't try to work things out with her, Ryan. What if she's not right for you?"

"She's not right for me. But there will always be something between us…she wants me to call her…"

"Ryan, I can talk to Jimmy…"

"No," He recoiled. "You're going to go to her dad?"

"If she's upsetting you…"

"She's not, you don't have to do that…"

"Okay, honey…I'm sorry, I just…"

"You're trying to help, I know, but…but I can handle it."

"You should tell her how you feel."

"I tried. She doesn't listen…"

Kirsten sighed. "So what are you going to do?"

"I'll try again. To talk to her," Ryan replied.

"Lie down and get some rest. I'm going to make you a snack…"

"I just ate…"

"Three hours ago you picked at some eggs, Ryan," She replied. "You're not eating right."

He lay down on the bed. "Okay."

"Ryan, I want you to talk to someone. Someone…professional. I don't know how to handle this…"

"A shrink?"

"Not really a shrink, but someone that can help you get physically healthy again. A counselor…"

"Kirsten…"

"I'm serious, Ryan. I want you to get well. Healthy first and then everything else we can work out in time."

He nodded silently.

"Really?"

"Okay, Kirsten." He closed his eyes, signaling that the conversation was over.

She covered him with a blanket and closed the door behind her. She walked into the kitchen and started searching through the refrigerator.

"How is he?" Sandy asked.

"Marissa came by. She upset him," Kirsten replied.

"I haven't heard him talk about her in a while. I mean, since he's been back," Sandy replied.

"He's got enough on his mind. He can't save her. He shouldn't try. He needs to rest."

Sandy was quiet. "Can I talk to him?"

She regarded him with gentle eyes. "Can you handle it?"

"I think so," Sandy whispered.

She hesitated but finally nodded. She passed him a tray of fruit. "Try to get him to eat something."

"Okay." Sandy accepted the tray and her gentle hug.

* * *

Sandy walked slowly toward the poolhouse. He didn't want to spook the boy, but he had to find a way to work through this. He loved Ryan. And he'd never make it up to him.

He knocked softly but Ryan didn't answer, he simply waved his hand from the bed.

"Hey, kid. I brought you some snacks."

"Thanks," Ryan muttered, sitting up immediately when he realized that Sandy was in the poolhouse.

Sandy wanted to sit down on the bed, but he hesitated.

"What's she feeding me this time?" Ryan asked. Sandy noticed that his voice was shaking.

"Fruit." Sandy sat down beside him on the bed. They both had to get over their issues and face each other

Ryan sighed. He accepted an apple off the tray. "So."

"So…"

"So we can do this two ways," Ryan said slowly.

"This?" Sandy asked.

Ryan sighed again. "Do you have brothers?"

"One…"

"Did you fight?"

"Well, yes…"

"And you didn't take it personal, the blows shared between you guys was just family stuff…"

"Ryan…" Sandy whispered.

"So we could play it that way or we could play it that you were punishing me…"

"Ryan…"

"Sandy, can I say one thing?"

He nodded.

"If you ever touch me again…I'll kick your ass," Ryan said quietly.

Sandy nodded. He kept his eyes lowered. Ryan surprised him by patting him on the back. "You're a good man, Sandy. One I'll always look up to. You made a mistake. It happens. I wish it…I wish you were perfect and it hadn't happened…but it did. But let's get over it. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Now get out of here so I can sleep," Ryan sighed.

"Not until you eat something…" Sandy whispered, stunned by Ryan's words.

"I'll eat this apple as soon as I wake up," Ryan replied.

"Okay, kid. Get some sleep…"

"You, too," Ryan replied.

FIN


End file.
